I have study rage.
Study rage, for those of you who don’t know is kind of like road rage, but with studying. And it may or may not seep out to impact other aspects of life moreso than the road rage.
Prime example… I actually considered throwing something at the wall earlier today when the landlord started hammering and drilling on the other side. Yes, irrational. But, it seemed like a strangely satisfying possibility. And continues to seem to be, given he has been at whatever he is doing since about 9:30 this morning. It kind of helps me understand why one of my friends in high school once threw a hair brush at her younger brother during exams… Kind of. But, I don’t want to harm the landlord, just his tools. At one point, I tried to make my music louder than him. He won.
Study rage involves intense anger at all things study related… I now hate Toronto Notes and… Sadly, my laptop (that should pass). I feel an overwhelming urge to use them as my weapons against the wall the landlord is hammering on.
Suddenly, everything seems to look more fun than studying. Including cleaning the apartment, going to the mall or even the dentist (okay, maybe not the dentist). Do people with road rage enjoy driving? Because I am not enjoying studying, though often I do in less dire circumstances.
Part of this rage comes from the fact that I have not left the house and am envious of those who do (like Patrick). Another part of this rage is that while I am studying 99% of the world is, well, not. Exams are over. People everywhere are saying hello to summer break. I am saying hello textbook.
Like people with road rage who are, in reality, terrible drivers who seem to think everyone else is at fault, I am a poor studier. I don’t like to sit and memorize facts or terms. In fact, I choose not to. And then get mad when others do. Or when I can’t remember that list of 15 items because I REFUSE to memorize it (understanding is my preferred method). I am more upset that my music can’t be heard over the drilling than that there is loud music going on.
The frustration has seeped out and is now targeting the test makers. Those who made the practice exams… I am convinced they must be certainly out to get me. Tailing me on purpose by causing me to do worse on practice exam #2 in surgery, when we all know I was good at it on exam #1.
And the answer was definitely C. Definitely. Even if every source I check says it should be A, how could I not know that? Really? In real like it is totally A. Just saying.
And WHAT!?!?! My pink hi-liter is going dry? But, I need to color-coordinate my notes. Therefore it cannot be dry. CAN NOT! So, I dip it in water. Like people who fail to get gas when the gas light is on, I fail to believe my hi-liter is actually dry.
I just kind of want to speed my way through the rest of the material. Really fast. Perhaps this explains why people like to speed so much. It gets you off the road faster?
I accidently fell asleep earlier this afternoon. Just before Patrick got home from work. I looked peaceful, so he didn’t wake me. When I woke up, I had no sensation to the ulnar or median nerve distributions to my right hand. And I had to diagnose this and how it happened (I fell asleep with my head in my antecubital fossa, with my ulnar nerve impinged between my elbow and the corner of the bed. I was mad at him. For letting me nap. And lose feeling in my arm. And letting me nap. Because I hate naps. So foolish. So irrational. So like a crazy person with anger issues at the red light.
Funny part is… I am (as I have said before) nowhere near the craziest med student I know. So, I can just imagine the rage going on elsewhere. The good news is, it will all soon be done. And then I will be shack whacky for other reasons.
Tonight, I need to take a hiatus from studying. Much like really crazy road ragers need to be removed from driving to be taught to stop being so enraged. So, we are going to go get groceries. And possibly see some icebergs. Even the traffic to see the icebergs can’t induce as much rage as I feel over my blankety blank notes.
I am sure I will be back to my regularly programmed geekyness in a few short days. Once the initial exam pressure is over. Then I can snort and push up my glasses and read this stuff (okay, maybe not THIS stuff) for fun.