Do you remember the whole “Kids Say The Darndest Things” show?
I do. I loved it. Even as a kid.
Sometimes, working in a Pediatric hospital is like living in a big prolonged episode of the show.
Last night, I worked my second overnight shift in a row, so things were a bit funnier, especially once it was about 4 in the morning. We all had a bad case of the giggles and there were some especially entertaining kids. Those combined with some of the others I have seen leads to a pretty fun list of funny things to say.
“Mom, you are driving me crazy. It is time for a brief time out.” Said by a four year old while holding their head and sighing in frustration. Not like they heard that from a parent before.
When asked how the child likes their new school, she resonds, “I like it much better, they appreciate me there.” This was met with hysterical laughter from every adult in the room. The kid just stared at us like we were all stunned. We asked what she meant and she explained that they just seem to give her more attention and praise her talents. Makes sense. Interesting choice of words, but sensible.
In response to how was it getting stitches one boy said, “It was better than that time Dad sat on me.” Mortified, his parents explained until recently, they had to pin him down for any kind of needle.
One little girl in with the stomach explained to me all about how she threw up in a bucket… After throwing up on both her bed and Mom’s bed. And that because she threw up in a bucket, she got a cookie. Which she threw up, and not in the bucket. A lot of detail Mom was not impressed she shared. Especially about the cookie.
One five year old who was not really sick informed me she wanted to stay in the emergency room with me. Like a sleepover. Except she could stay up all night. And play with the other kids. Because it would be fun, right? Wrong.
While examining a boy’s obviously broken arm, I asked if he thought it was broken. He informed me he played another couple minutes of his hockey game before going off the ice. So no. His forearm was at a 45 degree angle. He wanted to go to school the next day to show the others before getting a cast on.
I was slapped in the face by a five year old who didn’t want me to give him stitches. It hardly stung. His mom was mortified. His older brother and I laughed a little.
A 4 year old with gastro asked me, “am I going to make it?” in a croaky, sad voice with big sad eyes. Five minutes later while I was explaining it was the probably the stomach flu, she asked if she could have something to eat, maybe something light… Like pizza or a milkshake.
I was informed by a 16 year old patient that I looked just like a girl from her school and was asked if I was some kind of freaky smart kid or something.
“I can’t move my arm… Like this.” As she moves her arm.
I was asking a child with hives if they ate anything different today. They told me, “I sometimes eat my boogers, but today I tasted some of the stuff out of my ears. Is that why I itch?” Their Mom promptly said, “yes.”
While doing a procedural sedation, one 14 year old boy told us all about his girlfriend, how she would do his homework while he was in a cast and how she was beautiful and we should creep her on Facebook. He woke up and swore up and down he had no girlfriend and panicked that his parents might have heard.
Child when asked if they have an itchy bum. “Sometimes, but Mom doesn’t let me scratch it like dad does, but sometimes, I steal a fork from the kitchen, because that isn’t my hand.”
I think part of the fun of peds is that the kids are sometimes just a bit more honest, or at least funny in their lies. And they don’t embrace the sick role as much, so you can sometimes have a bit more fun with them. Plus, they are kids. And just plain funny sometimes.