To Elim, On Your Estimated Due Date

Dear Elim,

I thought I would write to you on this, your estimated due date, to say a few things that have been on my heart. Had we not lived in this fallen world, you would be in my arms by now or I would be just itching to have you the heck out of me so we could cuddle and do all that newborn-mommy stuff. But alas, that was not how it was to be.

I want you to know first of all that I love you. And I always will. Even though I barely knew you, I know God made you and I will cherish our short time together before you went to heaven to be with Jesus. A lot of other people loved you and mourned your short life too.

I miss you. I miss what could have been. But, I am so happy you are in heaven now. That you are safe and protected and loved. One day, I’ll actually get to meet you and that will be awesome.

You are a gift. You are an answer to prayers and longings. And you were used by God to teach me big lessons about redemption, real love and how to celebrate well and suffer well.

Because of you, I appreciate new lives more. I appreciate the miracle that it is to see a pregnancy progress and babies be born and children who grow. I want to celebrate new lives instead of hiding them with secrets and fear. I will be honest and say, I also know how fragile life can be and it scares me a little and that is okay. I empathize better with other Moms and Dads who have to miss their kids until they see them again for all kinds of reasons.

Because of you, your Dad and I got to learn to lean on God and each other a whole lot more. We got to grow up more (which I’m sure sounds crazy because we are theoretically grown ups, but even grown ups have more growing to do).  We got to see God do amazing things with what seemed like a terrible situation.  That is what He does, but I suppose you had that figured out already.

I been counting down to this day for many months. Not because of some sick fascination or because I wanted to feel sad or bad. Just out of instinct. I like numbers and it is simple math to know where I would have been with you at any given point. Plus, today’s date has been etched in my mind. And to be honest, I wanted to remember when you would have hypothetically come into this world. Just like I will remember when I knew you went out. Because I care. These are important moments, even though others may not see them as such.

You will have brothers or sisters, maybe both someday. I will be grateful for each of them and know them as individuals. I pray every day that they get the chance to grow up and that it will hopefully be a long time before you meet them (no offense). I also pray that they will all one day meet you in heaven. Know that in my heart you will always have a special place and when they are ready and old enough to understand, I will tell them about you.

You count in my kid count in my heart. So, happy “birthday.”

Love you always and forever,

Mom

Reblog: “In Defense of Doctors”

I read this the other day on a friend’s Facebook page and I liked it enough to want to share it with other people.  Check it out, it is called “In Defense of Doctors” by The Murrays.

In a day and age where everyone has information at their fingertips, it seems that distrust of the medical system is everywhere.  I work and function in that system every day.  I also am a patient in that same system.  I have to trust it.  I can be well educated and informed, but I go in expecting my physician or nurse or other caregiver to know their stuff too.  These people go to school for years.  They sacrifice their lives.  They don’t want to do stuff to harm you.  I’m certain of it.

I have on more than one occasion come home and worried about a patient I left at work.  Or spent hours scouring the internet for the right answer.  That is what it means to be in a caring profession.

Please trust that we care.  And we have your best interest at heart.  We sacrificed a lot to get here.  It doesn’t stop with you.

My flu shot soapbox

Please allow me to pull up my soap box…

It is time for what is becoming my annual flu shot rant (see here and here for previous).

I got my flu shot this week.

Unless you are allergic to it or have another medical indication to not get it, you should too.

I mean, we are all running around terrified of Ebola and really, afraid of getting sick in general.  But, most of us are too chicken (or cocky or ill informed or paranoid) to get a simple measure that prevents a common and potentially deadly illness.  It is simple, it does not make you sick and the risks are really low (you can actually get some similar complications at random or from a bout of the flu).

Just to point out some facts… You can get the flu shot if you are pregnant.  This came up at work the other day.  It is not contraindicated.  It is advised (I know, there is limited data on fetal risk because the population data does not suggest an issue, but if there was a giant issue, they wouldn’t be doling it out to pregnant women… That is bad PR and asking for a lawsuit).  You can also get the flu shot while on most cancer treatments if you time it based on the advice of your doctor (ao came up at work)ls.  It is free in a bunch of workplaces and also if you have a chronic condition that puts you at risk if you were to get the flu.

Last year, I had, at one point, 3 people in ICU on ventilators (aka life support) with the flu.  The FLU.  And they were all in their 40s-60s.  Not old people.  Not necessarily people who were sickly before.  Crappy luck.  Bad strains.  None of them had received flu shots.  They all survived.  Not everyone is that lucky…  I also had a patient I cared for on an oncology related service die from complications related to the flu during their cancer treatment.

I have watched people die or nearly die from the flu.  I don’t want to watch more.

I know the vaccine isn’t perfect. Sure, there are years where they miss the mark in picking the viruses, but they still do confer some immunity and other years they are spot on.  I know people don’t trust doctors because apparently we have been brain washed.  And there is limited research on each specific year’s vaccine (because they are basically similar with different strains).   But, I like to hedge my bets.  It is simple, quick, easy and has more evidence behind it than most of the stuff seen on talk shows.

Don’t kill my patients.  Don’t kill my family.  Get the shot, it is extremely unlikely to make things worse and it probably will make things better.

Rant over.  I’ll step down again for now.

 

“Holiday” Monday

After a lovely weekend at home, I have a lieu day for working the Thanksgiving holiday last week.  That means long weekend for me!

As a result, I am now making turkey soup from scratch, am catching up on laundry and binge watching Grey’s Anatomy.  I feel very domestic.

I have shared my angst about still watching Grey’s before and it still hasn’t left me.

I cringe at all of the changes, especially the last few seasons.  I hate the drama.  I hate that everyone and yet nobody dies all at the same time.  And yet, I watched it since the first season and I am sticking it out.

As a result, I am curled up on the couch and kind of look like this…

Image from gifsoup.com.

Happy Monday.

Thanksgiving Turkey and “Meeosh”

Yesterday was Thanksgiving here.

I was on call.  It is how I roll these days, it seems.

Despite that,  I thought it would be a good idea to have people over for Thanksgiving dinner.  Because we have a biggish dining room and I like to cook.

It was a good idea.

Some planning ahead and good luck meant that we had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner with Child, D and Dr. Bond.

I was ridiculously excited that I found a “decently priced” fresh turkey that was small enough to fit in our oven and the disposable baking pan that would also fit in our oven.

Jeter made it his main goal in life to eat the turkey.  He tried to eat it raw, he tried to pick the chunk of extra skin out of the garbage can and then, once everyone arrived, he proceeded to jump on the counter and try to steal a bite repeatedly.  That cat likes his meat.

I like having some “family” away from biological family.

I also like hosting Thanksgiving because it means we wind up with leftovers… My favourite.

Tonight we had what my family calls “Meeosh.”  The recipe: Take all of the leftovers, mix and fry them together in a frying pan, then put extra gravy on top.  Other people call it hash.  I call it delicious.  Patrick and I both looked forward to it all day.

Interestingly, Patrick had never had “Meeosh” until he married me.  In fact, he never had anything quite like it.  He thought us a bit odd that time as my Mom and I combined everything we pulled from the fridge in a giant frying pan.  He was pleasantly surprised and has never gone back.

Mmmm… Turkey.

The last few weeks in a nutshell.

When it comes to regular blogging, I have been an epic fail lately. Sometimes life is just plain busy and my priorties have been such that sitting down to write has not been a priority.

So, for those of you who care… Some updates on my last couple weeks in a nutshell.

The treatment planning exam I wrote about went decently. It was challenging. I got through it and my score was not good, but was good for a first exam. Plus, that means I met the milestone of doing my first treatment planning exam.

The Child and I started going to Body Pump classes. Once a week. But every week. For those of you who are regular Pump attenders, this may not seem like much, but it is a huge stretch for us to commit to going every week and getting stronger (even if it would be better to go more than once a week, I’d rather set a realistic goal). As a result of attending these classes, we have turned into bigger gym rat-like people, not only discussing our run times at times, but now also plotting out how we could go up on our weights or do a certain move better.

I went wedding dress shopping in a real wedding dress store for the first time ever last week with my sister-in-law. True story. I am married, but I bought my dress online from Sears. I lived away, so I didn’t go dress shopping with any of the friends that I know who got married. It was an experience. I feel okay with never having to do it again.

I am very excited to go see Gone Girl later today. The book freaked the heck out of me (once I got past the first ¼).   I expect the movie could do the same.

Patrick and I went to a produce store yesterday that is known for its ridiculous deals. We have had friends from church recommending the place for ages, but had yet to go. We now understand the beauty that it truly is.

My program changed our academic half days to Friday afternoons. It is a form of torture to sit through 4 hours of lecture on a Friday afternoon. Especially when you have a busy review clinic all morning and no time to see your inpatients until after all the teaching. I discovered caffeine and cookies help, but don’t cure the Friday half-day blues.

I had a post-call day last week because I was stuck in hospital until 2am with a spinal cord compression who, after we treated, started having “new” chest pain (that in retrospect wasn’t new) and then was called several times overnight. I was so excited to have a post call day. And didn’t even feel that guilty for taking it because the night was that kind of ridiculous. Then I remembered, post call days suck when you were actually up most of the night because you need to sleep. Silly.

I love treating head and neck cancers. Even though they tend to get so sick from treatment. And even though some of the patients are tough drinkers/smokers who don’t want to do anything they should. I like a challenge. And I really want to help. And we can cure people with this type of cancer, which is always cool.

My computer at work was giving me the blue screen of death and shutting down intermittently. It got to the point that I couldn’t get any work done and had to use someone else’s computer. The helpdesk person had no real explaination as to why my computer blew up in my face like it did. He had to reload everything back on it from scratch (and I lost everything that was saved on the computer itself (not much)). In retrostpect, I like to rest my feet on the computer console thing under my desk and twice in the last few weeks I accidentally kicked it over. That might be related. Whoops.

I have been attempting to read The Maze Runner for two weeks. Much like my blogging, life has gotten in the way of my fun reading. Silly.

I have been obsessed with listening to Needtobreathe lately. Not sure why, but their mellow has been drawing me in. Like this song:

What is new with you? Anything exciting?

Happy Birthday Patrick

Patrick turned the big 3-0 yesterday.

He is almost fully grown, as his uncle would say.

We celebrated with a steak dinner, Chapters date and then started on his birthday gift from me (the first 4 seasons of Boy Meets World).

His parents and sister showed up on his real birthday and we got to go out to eat again and celebrate with them.  Oh, and we went out for free for Patrick birthday lunch too (it doesn’t count in the budget as eating out three times if one meal is free and two were free for Patrick thanks to Pizza Delight and my parents, right?).

I must admit, I like his birthday because it is pretty fun for me too (not just for the food).  Plus, I got to have a just plain normal people(ish) weekend this weekend without doing something work related more often than not and that was nice.

Bear Hug

Some days, you wonder if you are doing enough, caring enough, loving enough.

You go to rounds and hear things like doctors don’t care or don’t spend enough time with patients.  And you sit there wondering how you can do more.  Because maybe, just maybe, they could be right.

You spend time researching to help someone.  You talk someone through even the simple things.  Sometimes you just make small talk because it seems right.  You stay late.  You go in early.  You think about them when you are home.

Then, someone you cared for dies.  And you get a big, tearful bear hug from the most challenging family member.

Suddenly, it is all worth it.  Suddenly, I believe it might just be enough.  Suddenly, I remember God put me here for a reason.

Head and Neck

I got an email with the topic for my very first treatment planning exam.

Aside… A treatment planning exam is an oral exam where we get grilled on our management of patients from presentation to treatment and follow-up to help us practice for our licensing exams at the end of residency.  It can include basic questions right up to referencing why we do treatment in a certain schedule and where a target its. They start in third year, which is where I am now.  They are supposed to start off easier and get harder as time goes by.  At least in theory.

The site is “Head and Neck.”

Agh!

My issue with this?

Head and neck is probably one of the most difficult sites to treat and master.

I mean, we don’t do much head and neck related stuff in med school or even the first two years of residency and then, bam!  I’m treating cancers there.

At least, I have for the last two and a half weeks of this rotation.

I like head and neck.  I have said it is likely a site I’ll want to treat.  That doesn’t mean I feel anywhere near confident in it.

And it is my first exam.

When I opened the email, I just cracked up laughing.

Apparently most people get something like bone metastases from another primary.  Nope, not me.

Maybe it will be more simple than it sounds.

But, I don’t feel optimistic.

It is going to force me to read more.  But, I really was hoping for a relaxing weekend home.

That is how life works.  And how residency works.

Learning is good.  Looking stupid is part of learning.  I just need to embrace that.

Thank goodness Dr. Bond gave me some notes and tips.

I just hope my examiners remember I’m just in third year.